


Fateful meeting on the roof

by Yu_Kagami



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Depressed Katsuki Yuuri, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Supportive Victor Nikiforov, Yuuri's family is dead i am sorry- not really but, hes a very sad individual, i think, idk yet, just dumping all the shit on yuuri dont mind me, seriously though read it at your own risk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:21:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27264163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yu_Kagami/pseuds/Yu_Kagami
Summary: Set after Sochi's competition.Yuuri felt depressed after his poodle Vicchan has passed away, feeling that he no longer had a reason to continue living, he attempts suicide and is stopped by the one and only Viktor Nikiforov.Trigger warnings in the tags.
Relationships: Celestino Cialdini & Katsuki Yuuri, Katsuki Yuuri & Victor Nikiforov, Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov
Comments: 11
Kudos: 74





	1. The attempt

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: Suicide attempts, suicidal thoughts, mentions of past child abuse, panic attacks

“Ugh finally got away from that boring dumb banquet! Nothing interesting ever happens.”

Viktor sighed deeply as he walked around the hotel mindlessly, he had gotten out of the banquet and without even checking, he knew Yakov was blowing up his phone right now but he couldn’t care less, every year was the same during the banquets, just the sponsors and drinking, blah blah blah. It is all boring and old, and Viktor hated boredom. The sponsors would be phoning him later about their offers anyways, he saw this as a complete win-win situation, aside from Yakov’s annoying nagging but angering Yakov was kind of fun so he didn’t really mind.

The thing is, Viktor never really came up with a plan about what he will do once he was out of the banquet, he could go back to his hotel room sure but that is even more boring than attending the banquet! He would ask Chris to hang out with him but Chris liked attending banquets for whatever reasons, Yuri hated banquets as much as he did but he doubted that Yuri would want to hang out with him. Maybe he should just go explore the city? He had done that before when he was here for other competitions though.

Viktor was completely lost about whatever in the hell he should do, until he saw a figure slippin by him quickly, the person walking by passed by quickly so Viktor couldn’t make out of their features but he noticed that he was in formal attire too, perhaps the other was also escaping from the banquet?

_Now this is what I called excitement!_

With boredom washed away, a big smile plastered over Viktor’s face as he excitedly “stalked” his new found interest? Was calling a person an _interest_ even a thing? Viktor couldn’t care less though, he just wanted to follow this mysterious figure and see wherever they are heading to and the reason why they are in such a rush, in any other situation Viktor would have screamed “Wait!” like a five year old but since he was supposed to be a “stalker” he stayed quiet and trailed a few metres behind the man.

The man was heading towards the stairs instead of an elevator, Viktor wondered why, but he wasn’t complaining, it was way easier for him to follow the guy when they chose stairs. The man was certainly walking fast though, why is it that he is in such a rush? Viktor followed as the man’s steps went increasingly faster on each step on the stairs, eventually the fast walking turned into a full on sprint, Viktor however still remained the same pace as he walked, while keeping a careful eye on wherever the figure was going, he didn’t want the person he was trailing to hear his dashing footsteps afterall.

Viktor headed higher and higher, as the figure went farther and farther away, finally stopping at the top and disappearing at once. Viktor tilted his head in confusion, there wasn’t a room or anything at the top, why was this man heading there? Carefully Viktor moved his steps towards the way that other man had gone and finally he reached the top too. The door was swung open by the previous figure who Viktor was following, it seemed like whoever this man was completely disregarded the sign that said “Danger! Do not go through without permission.” Well, Viktor is about to do the same too so he couldn’t really say anything.

Viktor stepped out of the staircase and a cold breeze instantly hit him, it was strong, so strong Viktor had to brace himself for a bit until he could open his eyes and clearly see whatever was going on.

It wasn’t pleasant.

The man he had been following wasn’t going anywhere mysterious.

The man he had been following was going to jump.

Right before Viktors eyes.

Viktor felt as if time had stopped when the stranger was walking closer and closer to the edge, his shoes left behind in a few feet distance, he noticed a note being put inside of the note, Viktor urged his sense to do something as the stranger walked closer and closer, his legs were shaking but the person who was knocking on death's door was surprising calmer than he is. He wasn't shaking or crying, he was completely silent, it was almost as if he knew that this was going to happen, it was as if he had this one fateful night planned their whole life.

He was at the edge.

He whispered goodbye.

“What do you think you are doing?!”

Viktor found last minute strength in him, he had pushed the jumper back just in time.

Widened caramel brown eyes met his gaze.

The mysterious figure had silky black hair.

He wore familiar blue glasses.

“Yuuri Katsuki?!”

“Viktor Nikiforov?!”

The suicidal man, now known as Yuuri Katsuki exclaimed in surprise at the same time as Viktor, their words had crossed over each other but it was clear that the other was exclaiming his name too. Yuuri’s face suddenly turned beet red as he tried to back off but Viktor held his arm, tight, not allowing him to escape as he stared straight into the younger skater’s eyes.

“I- uh- Why-? What are you doing here?”

Viktor watched as the Japanese skater averted eye contact anxiously, Viktor however fixed his gaze on the other’s eyes, he wore a stern expression that he normally wouldn’t have on his face. 

“The real question is, why are _you_ here? I only came here because I followed you.”

Yuuri panicked and struggled against his grip, his surprise was quickly replaced with anger and frustration as the other skater seemed to have finally realised that Viktor had just stopped him from a suicide attempt, Viktor grasped on the struggling boy with both arms tightly, he wouldn’t allow the other skater to die, nope, definitely not on his watch.

“Let go!”

Yuuri screamed as he struggled harder and harder, his breath was getting shallower with each movement he made, the japanese boy panicked further and further, Viktor was at loss in what to do too, he had never talked someone down from suicide, moreover a stranger.

“Let go! Let me go! Viktor fucking let go!”

Vikto didn’t flinch at the vulgar language and the boy was moving in all directions, his arms flailing around as he attempted to escape from Vikto’s grip but Viktor being older and frankly taller had way more strength than Yuuri. The sight before him was heart-breaking, to think such a talented skater wanted to die so desperately, it made him sad. Viktor felt Yuuri’s panic arising more and more, his breath coming dangerously close to being abnormally quick.

“No! No! I want to fucking die! I need to die! Fuck! Let go! Let me go!!”

Viktor wanted to weep at the desperate death declarations of the boy before him, before Viktor could say anything back, he found himself wrapping Yuuri in a tight hug as he felt Yuuri crying in his shoulder, he reached his hand onto Yuuri’s back and rubbed the sobbing skater gently, whispering comforting words as Yuuri broke down into pieces before him.

“It is okay now, you will be okay.”

Yuuri vigorously shook his head in Viktors arm, mumbling that it will never be okay, that nothing will ever be alright. Yuuri cried harder, staining Viktor’s suit with tears, but Viktor didn’t mind a single bit, he just wanted Yuuri to be okay, he wanted Yuuri to be happy, to not want to take his own life.

“Yuuri, you will be okay.”

Yuuri only continued denying everything Viktor had said, but Viktor didn’t let go, he held him tight, until Yuuri ran out of tears, until everything seemed to calm down.

Slowly, he felt Yuuri letting go of him, Viktor changed his position back to grabbing Yuuri’s arm, he didn’t want to risk Yuuri dashing off to the edge and jumping off all of the sudden.

“I- I am sorry.”

Yuuri timidly said after a few moments of silences, his nose and eyes were stained red from crying, hair messy from burying his head into Viktor’s shoulder. Viktor smiled gently in return, honestly speaking, the other skater had nothing he needed to apologise for.

“Sorry I- uh ruined your suit I can pay for it, sorry um- I- sorry!”

Viktor frowned as the chains of apologises rain down upon him, Viktor didn’t think Yuuri had anything he needed to apologise for, it was Viktor’s choice to save him, Viktor could have really just stepped out of the entire situation if he wanted to.

“No, Yuuri, don’t apologise, nothing is your fault okay? I chose to be here.”

Yuuri anxiously looked down in shame, his hand fidgeted with the hem of his shirt as he said apologetically.

“No, I- I swore at you and I-, I don’t, I am sorry.”

Viktor reassured the shaking figure before him.

“Yuuri, it is okay, every once in a while, we all need a let out.”

Yuuri looked up at last and debated furiously.

“No! I- I still shouldn’t have swore at you!”

Viktor gently took both of Yuuri’s hands, he ignored the furiously blush of the Japanese skater and gracefully lifted both of his hands up.

“Then I forgive you.”

Yuuri looked stunned when those words left Viktor’s lips, it seemed as if Yuuri was about to apologise again before Viktor saw through Yuuri’s pattern and habit of self-blaming and cut off Yuuri before he had a chance to speak.

“Yuuri, how about we get down first.”

Yuuri flashed a look of realisation and looked around his surroundings, Viktor tightened his grip just in case Yuuri was going to struggle again but thankfully, he didn’t, he looked tired, really tired. Viktor was glad Yuuri didn’t panic again but those dull and misery filled eyes really touched him, it almost felt like he could feel Yuuri’s depression.

“Okay.”

Yuuri said finally, Viktor smiled happily at the acceptance of his request, he signaled Yuuri to stand up and the other boy did it without protesting and Viktor led Yuuri down from the roof, shutting the door tight as he dragged Yuuri back down as quickly as possible, wanting to put the idea of suicide out of Yuuri’s head as soon as possible.  
Viktor held Yuuri’s hand the entire time as they walked and perhaps given any other situation Yuuri would have started flushing and blushing like a teenager but now, he was far too exhausted emotionally and physically to even care that his idol was leading him to his hotel room. 

The walk to the hotel room was silent, and Yuuri didn’t even realise they weren’t heading to his room but Viktor’s until he saw the room number. Viktor gave Yuuri a look as he anxiously looked down, Viktor frowned again, it was almost scary that Viktor could already read Yuuri’s mood despite only meeting him today, but it was fair, since Yuuri has been told that he was like an open book when he is anxious.

“Yuuri, are you fine with going into my room? Or do you want to go back to your own room? I am coming with you regardless though, you can’t be alone right now.”

Yuuri stuttered that he was completely fine with his room and that he understood he couldn’t be left alone after that. Viktor felt relieved when Yuuri didn’t protest, once again, Viktor unlocked his hotel room without letting go of Yuuri’s hand and he gently closed the door behind them and settled Yuuri down on his bed.

“Uh-um sorry for the-”

“Yuuri~ If you apologise again I am going to make you do a pushup for every unnecessary apologies.”

Yuuri winced at the suggestion of push-up and nodded timidly, a satisfied grin graced Viktor’s features, Viktor finally let go of Yuuri’s hand as he walked towards the coffee table of his room, he turned back to the fidgeting boy who is sitting rather tensely on his bed.

“Yuuri, do you want some tea?”

Yuuri flinched at Viktor’s sudden speech and Viktor almost thought he had said something wrong before Yuuri stuttered out that he didn’t need any drinks. Viktor nodded at the reply but made Yuuri some tea anyways, Yuuri was telling him he really didn’t need to go through all the trouble as he made the tea, but Viktor denied.

“It is no trouble! I wanted tea too anyways.”

Yuuri stopped panicking after Viktor had said that he wanted tea too, Yuuri really was a considerate person, Viktor had learned in such a short time that Yuuri was extremely scared of burdening others, even if Yuuri wasn’t a burden at all.

“Here.”

Viktor handed Yuuri a steamy hot cup of tea as he settled down next to Yuuri.

“Ah- thank you, it smells good.”

Viktor chuckled.  
“I am glad it does.”

Another period of silence settled down between the two skaters, none of them knew what to say, it was a rather strange situation for both of them actually, a suicidal man being saved by their long admired idol probably sounded like a fairy-tale-ish dream for a lot of people, also given Yuuri’s natural socially awkward personality, the awkward air between both of them is basically set to come down again.

“Yuuri, can you tell me why you were up there?”

Viktor finally said after a long period of tense quietude. Yuuri almost visibly flinched at the directness of the question, but to be honest getting around the question won't really get them anywhere either, Yuuri knew that Viktor was looking at him but he couldn’t bring the courage to do the same, which is why he just stared that the deep-flavoured tea in his hands as he hesitantly spoke up.

“I would have said that it wasn’t any of your business, but I guess I owned it to you after you saved my life, even if I would rather you didn’t.”

Viktor placed his hand on top of Yuuri’s in a comforting manner.

“You don’t own me anything Yuuri, it was something anyone would have done.”

Yuuri chuckled humorlessly as he sipped his tea before speaking up again.

“Perhaps so, but out of everyone it was you who did it, so I still owe it to you, even though I would probably be happier if you allowed me to die.”

Viktor went quiet for a bit after hearing Yuuri’s suicidal tendencies coming out of his mouth once again, he had heard them once on the roof but even so, everytime Yuuri express himself of how much he wanted to end it all, it just hit him like a wave again, he didn’t want Yuuri to feel this way, Yuuri was such a talented skater afterall.

“I hope I can make you want to live again.”

Yuuri looked at him with a stabbing smile, it was so depressingly hopeless that it stung Viktor to the core.

“I don’t think so, I haven’t had a moment about wanting to live ever since I was 13.”

Viktor wanted to hug Yuuri again, it wasn’t fair that people had to suffer like this, for so long, alone. Before Viktor could say anything Yuuri started speaking again.

“My dog died before the free-skate.”

Viktor gasped at the news, he couldn’t even imagine Makkachin dying, he would be devastated even if he knew that owning a dog also means having to leave it one day. Viktor tightened his grip on Yuuri’s hand.  
“I am so sorry that happened, I can’t even imagine Makkachin dying.”

Yuuri hummed sadly, still refusing to look at Viktor even for a little bit, his gaze was fixed on the half empty of tea that was no longer hot in his hands.

“Yeah. I- I really didn’t have a reason to live aside from Vicchan, my family died due to a fire when I was 7, I had been an orphan ever since.”

Viktor looked down grimly.

"That is sad."

Yuuri ignored the comment and continued.

“The moment I got Vicchan, I decided, I won’t kill myself until Vicchan dies.”

Viktor flinched at the suggestion of suicide, it still didn’t come natural to him that he just saved someone from taking their life.

“I actually never really kept my promise, ahaha.”

Viktor felt disheartened at that fact, it made him think if he could have been with Yuuri back then, maybe he could have saved him properly.

“I tried to hang on over Vicchan really, but I couldn’t.”

Viktor was strangely relieved that even through Yuuri’s old attempts, the man was still here, sitting next to Viktor, not dead and buried deep in the ground.

“It got worse when I left for Detroit, I left Vicchan in my best friend, Yuuko’s hands.”

Yuuri took a small break from talking and sipped a bit of his tea before grimly continuing.

“Because I know Vicchan is already in good hands, I thought that it would be okay for me to disappear now, I don’t even know how many times Phichit had to stop me from trying to die before I finally came to my senses after seeing Vicchan again.”

Viktor felt his heart ache at the thought of Yuuri trying to commit suicide over so many other occassions.

“And then it leads to today, Vicchan’s gone, I fucked my important competition up! What else do I have to live for?”

Viktor pulled Yuuri in a tight hug, he desperately wanted to yell at Yuuri about how much he is worth, how much he is needed, how valuable his life is, but he knew yelling wouldn’t do anything good for both of them, so he just whispered softly in Yuuri’s ear.

“Yuuri, oh Yuuri, you have so much to live for, you are such a talented skater if you hadn’t messed up your jumps in your free skate, you would have easily earned a spot in the podium.”

Yuuri shook his head and denied it speedily.

“No, there is no way some second-rated skater like me can ever win anything.”

Viktor frowned why couldn’t Yuuri see how valuable he really is? Yuuri was one very talented individual, he was gorgeous and had such gorgeous step sequences that even Viktor couldn’t recreate. 

“Yuuri, you do realise being in the GPF means you are already one of the top 6 skaters in the world right?”

Yuuri laughed drily, his brushed off that statement with such a self-deprecating laugh that it was almost scary. It even seemed like Yuuri was just used to brushing off every accomplishment of his, it felt like no matter how many times Yuuri proved everyone that he could do it, the only one that he couldn’t convince was himself.

“It was just pure luck.”

Viktor sighed, they aren’t getting anywhere in this conversation, Yuuri will obviously just brush off whatever he had to say. Which is why Viktor switched up the topic.

“Yuuri, you do realise I have to tell your coach about this right? Are you okay with that?”

Yuuri glanced at Viktor for a bit before looking back into his now empty cup that has been in his hands since the beginning of the conversation.

“He will probably be upset.”

Yuuri observed childishly at the cup as he watched the small droplets of remaining liquid swirling around the cup again and again, the sight was amusing for him suddenly for no particular reason, perhaps he just wanted a distraction from this conversation, running away from it in his own way like he always did whenever things got tough.

“Of course he would be, he cares about you Yuuri. I do too.”

Yuuri hummed, still focused on the tiny pockets of tea left in the cup, he watched as the droplets separated into stains and resisted the urge to touch the stains with his fingers, because that would just be weird.

“Maybe.”

Viktor sighed again, Yuuri was a good man, but Viktor really didn’t know how to pump confidence back into Yuuri, he knew it wasn’t something that can be built overnight, but he desperately hoped that there was something he could do for Yuuri.

“Can you tell Celestino for me?”

Viktor snapped his attention back to Yuuri, who looked ashamed of himself, though he didn’t look regretful of his actions, which probably means Yuuri still had the urge to die, which was upsetting in a lot of ways but similar to how confidence can’t be built in a day, removing such a strong-willed death is hard in its own way too.

“Sure, I will be putting the call on speaker so you can hear what he is saying though, can you give me your phone?”

Yuuri nodded searched around his pockets for his phone which was then handed to Viktor in a smooth transition, Viktor handed Yuuri back his phone though, Yuuri was confused for a bit before realising he didn’t enter the password yet, he stumbled upon an apology immediately and furiously entered his password and entered Celestino’s number too. Viktor just laughed and told him that it was no big deal, but it was still a rush of embarrassment for Yuuri.

Before the phone could start ringing, Celestino had picked up and Viktor quickly turned on the speaker, Yuuri felt his breath halting completely still as Celestino’s voice came through the tiny device.

“Yuuri! Where have you been? I was looking for you everywhere!”  
“Greetings Celestino! I believe this is the first time we ever talked properly!”

Celestino shockingly yelled through the phone.

“Viktor Nikiforov? Why do you have Yuuri’s phone, oh wait Yakov was looking for you too, are you with Yuuri right now?”

Viktor was a bit impressed by how quickly the coach had filled in the pieces, but looking back it was honestly pretty obvious that they were together.

“Yeah! Yuuri is next to me! Don’t worry!”

Celestino laughed relievedly.

“That is good then, I trust you with Yuuri.”

Viktor agreed cheerily too before tuning his energetic tone into a more serious one, the real issue has yet to be discussed after all.

“I actually called you for another reason too.”

Celestino sounded more serious too upon hearing Viktor’s unusual use of a sterner voice.

“Is Yuuri okay? What is it?”

Viktor mentally prepared himself to say the next words, he had to be careful not to flinch at his own description of the word ‘suicide’, and also to be prepared if the other man on the phonecall started getting emotional.

“Yuuri is, I wouldn’t say okay, but he is safe.”

Viktor saw in the corner of his eyes and Yuuri was starting to fidget again, a sign of nervousness but thankfully Yuuri wasn’t breathing abnormally which meant that Yuuri wasn’t so nervous to the point of a panic attack.

Even over the line, Viktor could hear how Celestino’s breath hitched for a bit.

“Viktor, what happened?”

Viktor took a deep breath and he could feel Yuuri holding in his breath as he said his next words carefully.

“Uh, I followed him to the roof and he- uh, yeah um, he tried to-”

Celestino cut off Viktor before he could finish the sentence, noticing how he was struggling to put the words of suggestion to suicide in his mouth.

“He, he attempted again didn’t he.”

Yuuri flinched visibly behind Viktor at those words, and suddenly started apologising furiously in a rush of panic, Viktor rushed over to Yuuri’s side when he saw Yuuri crouching on the ground while shielding his head away from everything. He was shaking violently while he cried.

“Yuuri? Yuuri? Are you okay? Viktor what is going on?”

Celestino’s concerned voice was projected into the room clearly, Viktor rapidly updated the coach of the current situation.

“I think he is having a panic attack, I am going to calm him down, hold up.”

Celestino didn’t reply afterwards but he knew that meant the man was probably also trying to take in everything, perhaps it wasn’t Yuuri’s first time attempting but he knew no matter how many times Yuuri would try, it will always hit the people who cares about him hard, even if Yuuri himself couldn’t see it.

“Yuuri can you hear me? Please, can you breathe for me?”

Yuuri choked on his breath and failed to breathe evenly as he started trembling even more and more. Yuuri felt the world was spinning around him, he had been miserable ever since yesterday but maybe this was when all the misfortune really hit him.

Viktor’s voice was drowned out entirely by the self-deprecating thoughts inside, he couldn’t hear anything apart from that nagging insulting voice that he was already too familiar, roads of regrets filled up his entire being, he should have jumped off without hesitating, if only he had died the first time he tried, if only he had been braver, if only he stepped off the ledge, if only he had slit his wrists harder that time, if only he had picked a better place to hang himself that time, if only he took a bit more pills that time! If only! If only!

God he wanted to die.

Viktor was still saying something in the distance but he can’t find the strength to care anymore , he just wanted to die, he wanted to disappear, he wanted to die, goddamnit why couldn’t he just have died! It isn’t fair! Yuuri cried even harder and he can almost feel Vikto’s increasing concern by each cry he had let out.

His head was only filled with swirling thoughts of death, the death thoughts hadn’t been gone, they never had been, they were only washed away for a bit because he tricked himself into believing he might be able to stand a chance too after Viktor’s comforting words.

It was his own foolishness afterall, life was never kind, he would always fail no matter how hard he tried, he could never be happy, he could never have nice things. He knew that fact very well, the world hated him, he didn’t want to pity himself either, but everytime he fell into another trap this life had set out for him, he can’t help but want to give up on everything.

He found himself desiring nothing but death one day when someone had asked him what wish he would make if there was something he hoped for. He wasn’t able to answer the question that day, he didn’t know what he wanted, he didn’t have time to even stop and think about what he liked, was it skating? To become the best skater? He didn’t know, he never felt like he was living anyways, his life felt like an endless warzone, he had to fight every single day just to be able to survive, and why was he even fighting so hard? He didn’t even know, maybe it is just natural instincts every human being has inside of them, blindlessly fighting for something without even knowing what they will get from it.

Maybe it was that day that he realised that he had no desire to live.

Perhaps so huh.

Maybe he could just close his eyes, and everything would disappear.


	2. Regret and anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri back in Detroit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: panic attack, mentions of rape (brief), discussions of suicide and mental health

“How is he?”

“I don’t know, he passed out.”

“It has been a while since he had that extreme of a panic attack.”

“Ah, don’t just stand there Celestino! Come in come in.”

“Thank you Viktor, for everything.”

Viktor didn’t reply further, he just silently welcomed Celestino in his room and signaled Celestino to make himself comfortable as the coach nodded and mouthed him a speedy thank you before walking up to Yuuri’s side. Viktor copied the other’s movements and also made his way to the sleeping skater’s side too.

Yuuri looked anxious even in his sleep, it made Viktor wondered if Yuuri actually ever got to properly rest at all throughout all these years of fighting depression, it was an upsetting sight but at the same time Viktor was glad Yuuri was getting rest, maybe only a bit of his brain was actually rested during his sleep but regardless, Viktor was still glad that Yuuri was getting in a small amount of sleep.

Celestino’s own look of grief matched one of Viktor’s, which couldn’t be blamed given the rather tragic situation before them, even if the man rested in front of them was still breathing, still alive, they both knew the unspoken fact is that Yuuri could have stopped breathing if only Viktor was a step late at that time, Yuuri might not have been here at all, and everything could have gone much worse.

Viktor couldn’t help but felt a ting of relief every time he observed Yuuri’s chest rising up and down steadily, it reminds him well of the fact that Yuuri was still alive, maybe not at his best, but regardless, still here, not buried in some ground.

“This wasn’t the first time Yuuri had tried.”

Celestino spoke suddenly, but neither of them tore their vision away from the resting boy. Viktor nodded bitterly, he knew well that this wasn’t Yuuri’s first time attempting, unfortunately, but he certainly hoped that this would be his last, the harsh truth was that perhaps Viktor was able to save Yuuri from death this time, but really, there is no telling whether he would be able to do the same next time.

“God, I should have watched over him even close, I knew he wasn’t okay, I knew that this might happen and yet I let my guard down and now, goddamnit!”

Viktor silently listened through the cursing of the older man, he couldn’t say anything in return, he didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know how to comfort the obviously frustrated Celestino in front of him.

“Yuuri is still alive and safe.”

Viktor blurted out before he could properly process what he had said.

“But he could have been dead.”

Celestino replied miserably, regret dripping down in every single word of the sentence. Viktor was once again left wordless, he wasn’t the best with comforting people, especially when he himself was struggling with the same problem too, he knew the pain he felt now probably was nothing compared to Yuuri’s coach, who had been with Yuuri for years, unlike Viktor who had only met Yuuri by chance tonight, but Viktor still couldn’t help but feel somewhat responsible for this.

\----

_Hands are surving my entire body._

_Why are they touching me?_

_Why is there a figure on me?_

_Stop it!_

_Stop touching!_

_Stop it, don't go there!_

_Nonononononono!_

_Go away! Go away!_

_Go away stop, leave me alone!_

_Stop it stop stop stop!_

"Stop!"

Yuuri bashed up suddenly, startling the two visiting figures immensely as he continued to panic upon remembering the nightmare he had. He saw the figures reaching for him again, stop! They are going to touch again! No! Go away! Stop it, go away!

Yuuri gasped for air, another panic attack thrashing through him right after his previous one. Life really wasn’t giving him any rest at all. The touches were still on his body everywhere, hands were trailing from one direction to another, Yuuri thrashed and screamed, he desperately wished for the figures to go away, to stop touching him to leave him alone.

The anxiety was choking him, he couldn’t breath, he couldn’t run away, he curled in himself more and more but it is not enough to hide, it is not enough, it is never enough. Why? Why? Why is he still alive? Why is he still here? Why couldn’t he just die.

There it was again, the chains of death thoughts, everytime something bad happens it really just all comes back to that huh? 

“Yuuri!”

He snapped up finally, tears tracking down his pale skin, eyes puffy and red. In front of him was Celestino and Viktor. They were both shouting something he couldn’t quite hear. He knew he was having a panic attack though, he needed air, so he tried to take deep breaths that came out shaky but both Viktor and Celestino seemed extremely relieved that Yuuri was coming back to his senses.

One breath, he could see where he was again, in Viktor’s room and safe.

Another breath, the white noises were gone and replaced with two comforting voices that caressed each other.

Last breath, the world stopped spinning and he was here again.

“Sorry.”

He found himself muttering before anything else.

Viktor shook his head vigorously, his platinum bangs swiping from left to right rapidly.

“Don’t be, Yuuri.”

Celestino then made his way into Yuuri’s vision, the coach was wearing a worried frown on his face and Yuuri looked down upon meeting Celestino’s eyes, he hated talking about his emotions with his coach, it was weird and unnatural for him.

“Yuuri.”

Yuuri tried making an effort to make eye contact but he cowardly ran away again, like how he always does. He suppressed a flinch when he heard his coach sighing again, it meant disappointment in Yuuri’s dictionary, and he knew he had every right to be disappointed in his pathetic actions, ‘sorry’ wouldn’t cut it either.

“Yuuri, do you feel better?”

Another voice chipped into the serious silence, Yuuri’s eyes shot up to meet crystal blue eyes, he had been so submerged in his own anxiety that he forgot that Viktor was still here.

“Ah, Viktor.”

Viktor curiously looked back and tilted his head in a manner that Yuuri found was kind of cute, the action reflected the one of a curious puppy, specifically Vicchan.

“Yeah?”  
Yuuri realised he had said the living legend’s name subconsciously, he broke the eye contact immediately and ducked his head low again.

“Nothing, sorry.”

Victor frowned and exchanged a look with Celestino. Before Celestino finally broke the awkwardness between them.

“Yuuri, we need to talk about.. all this.”

Yuuri made a lazed hum, failing to find the strength to even mutter a word.

Celestino sighed again, he apologised to Viktor softly in which Viktor declined politely, saying that it was no problem at all.

“Yuuri, we need to go and pack our stuff. Sorry again for the trouble, Viktor.”

Celestino said seriously. Truthfully Yuuri enjoyed Viktor’s company, but he didn’t want to be selfish so he just stayed silent as Celestino took his arm and started dragging Yuuri to the direction of the door. 

“Ah, wait.”

Yuuri snapped his head back to Viktor when he heard Viktors voice echoing across the room.

Viktor ran back to the small counter next to the hotel bed and scrambled through the drawers desperately, Celestino and Yuuri studied Viktor’s frantic actions in confusion. Viktor searched a piece of old used paper and grinned happily, he took the hotel pen attached to the drawer and scribbled furiously on the piece of used paper. Viktor then walked to Yuuri and handed him the paper. Yuuri looked at victor dumbfoundedly. 

“Here is my phone number! Text me later!”

Yuuri stunningly just stared at the piece of paper stupidly, as Celestino dragged him to walk out of the door. Then he finally broke out of his auto-pilot life mode. 

“A-ah thank you!”

Viktor winked at him then the door was closed and Viktor’s presence was gone. Yuuri went back to look at the messily written numbers on the small piece of crumpled paper.

“Huh..”

“Yuuri.”

Yuuri snapped his attention back up again, Celestino was staring at him with a frown.

“You should rest for today.”

Yuuri who couldn’t find the strength to protest nodded the rest of the walk back to the hotel room was silent and when they were alone, Yuuri wordlessly went back onto his bed and fell asleep.

\---------------------------------

The hours after his long slumber passed by idly, he was packing in one moment and the next thing he knew he was already on the airplane, he didn’t remember much from the trip he took to the airplane, it was like he wasn’t there at all, but then again, this feeling wasn’t unfamiliar, Yuuri had felt like this on multiple occasions, it was a very annoying thing but Yuuri had gotten used to them. 

He wordlessly took his seat belt and secured it tight around himself and blankly stared at the chair before him as the next hours of flight passed by motionlessly, before he knew it he was in a completely different place again, this time back in the dorms with Phichit in front of him.

“Phichit..? What how-”

“Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuri!!”

“Gah!”

Yuuri was unable to brace himself as his best friend crushed him into a big hug. They were both tackled onto the ground as Phichit dramatically squeezed Yuuri while cuddly him.

“Phichit! Stop!”

“Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuri!!!!!!”

Phichit exclaimed again, spreading the Us of Yuuri’s name as long as he could.

“I missed youuuu!!!!!!!”

Phichit hugged Yuuri even tighter, if that was even possible.

“Phichit! I know! Stop, I can’t breathe! Phichitttt!”

Phichit didn’t release the hug, he held on to the embrace for at least 10 more seconds before letting Yuuri go and they both stood up and fixed their posture.

Phichit spreaded a big grin on his face.

“Welcome back!”

The happy expression of his roommate also brought a small smile on Yuuri’s face.

“I am back.”

Celestino fake coughed into his hand, announcing his presence. Both Yuuri and Phichit turned to look at their coach.

“Yuuri, rest well tonight alright?”

Yuuri nodded timidly, Celestino gave Yuuri the ‘look’ before he excused himself as Phichit curiously observed the ‘look’ Celestino gave Yuuri.

“Yuuri? Is something wrong?”

Yuuri avoided eye contact, knowing the inevitable will have to come, that someone will have to give me ‘the talk’ about his mental health, again. And honestly he should be grateful that the person who is gonna give him the talk is Phichit and not Celestino or some shitty government hired therapist.

Phichit looked at him knowingly, pretty much guessed the fact that something bad had happened, he didn’t comment immediately on Yuuri’s actions though, instead he welcomed Yuuri in comfortingly and helped him settle in.

Usually the comforting dripping with syrup would have disgusted Yuuri to no end, but Yuuri found it soothing this time, maybe it was because he trusted Phichit with his life, or that his best friend was pretty much the only one he could talk to without his anxiety killing him.

The two skaters unpacked Yuuri’s stuff without an exchange of words, they already knew what belonged to where, since they have been roommates for such a long time. After they sorted out all the dirty clothings and necessities Yuuri had brought. Phichit positioned himself comfortably on the couch and signalled Yuuri to do the same.

Yuuri gulped, he already knew what was coming next, the dreaded talk.

Yuuri sat down hesitantly beside Phichit and stared at the window blankly, not even observing the view outside because the curtains were covering the city. He just stared at the patterns of the pattern without any particular reason, he counted the colourful stars that decorated the otherwise plain white fabric.

“Yuuri.”

Phichit said softly, the sickening sweet voice he had always used during situations like this. Yuuri didn’t make any movement to indicate he was paying attention, instead an unknown source of anger suddenly started budding up in Yuuri, he doesn’t snap a lot, but admittingly he gets angry at the most unreasonably timings for the dumbest things, and the worst is that he couldn’t control his outbursts, it creates regret after regret, and only add onto his list of self-hatred which was already long enough.

Phichit sighed, that disapproving breath again. Yuuri clenched his fist in growing annoyance, his eyes twitched uncomfortably and he was trying not to burst out his irrational anger, knowing that snapping wouldn’t do them good and Phichit was just honestly trying to help.  
But maybe, that was also why it annoyed Yuuri, he didn’t want help, he didn’t need it, why does it concern others if he is alive or not? It is his choice to live or die, and if he wants to die, why can’t they just leave him be and stop making a fuss over it, stop diagnosing him with medical terms such as Depression, Anxiety, PTSD or whatever else they have.

He could live perfectly fine without the knowledge of knowing why he is quoted so fucked up. He didn’t have any family, and even now, he deeply regrets that he hadn’t just killed himself right away when his family had died and everyone had left him, it would have been so much easier, he was such a fucking idiot.

If only he had just grabbed that stupidly sharp knife from the goddamn kitchen and chopped his fucking head off he wouldn’t have to deal with all of this bullcrap. It is so annoying and stupid, he really just wanted to be left alone, what is such a big deal about suicide, it happens everyday, why can’t people just shut their traps and let Yuuri be. God it is like every teenager making a big deal about having depression and showing off their so called over pitiful life. 

They are so noisy. Just shut the fuck up.

“Yuuri, are you even listening to me.”

Yuuri held back the harsh ‘No fuck you.’ he wanted to scream desperately at that moment, he knew his anger would destroy the relationship, not like that any relationship can even be considered happy with him being in it, why haven’t they all left him already honestly. Yuuri placed the unknown rage in the back of his head, swallowed his worthless dumb pride and made a noise that somehow sounded somewhat acceptable as a hum of approval.

“Mmhmm..”

Phichit was staring at him with probably a strange expression now, Yuuri wouldn't know what face his best friend was making before he hadn’t looked at Phichit once ever since the conversation about mental health started, he wasn’t sure why to be honest, maybe he knew he would just start yelling in blinded wrath the second he see that worried dumbass expression, or he was just a coward, scared to face the consequences of his own actions.

“Yuuri I know you don’t like talki…”

And there was the talk again, Yuuri tuned out Phichit’s word immediately, distracting himself with trying to look for a song in his imaginary playlist, he carefully chose a japanese song that was extremely loud and played it as noisy as he could inside his mind, it worked effectively, the two different language of japanese and Phichit’s english crashed together as expected and became a jumbled mess, just as how Yuuri predicted it to go.

Yuuri tapped his feet to the rhythm of the music in his brain, Phichit was still nagging in the background but he couldn’t care less, he will just wait out the conversation, he was far too tired to be discussing about suicide for like the probably 10th time this week. Everytime someone would approach him about that, Yuuri treated it as a test of patience, and he was going to soon reach the limit.  
“and you really shouldn’t- Yuuri, you aren’t listening to me!”

Yuuri yawned and muffledly hummed.

“Mmmhmmm..”

“Yuuri!”

Yuuri turned his head to his best friend for the first time since the conversation started, Phichit had a noticeably frown on with eyes that glimmered with pure concern, but Yuuri didn’t really have the heart to be sympathetic or whatever at the moment, so instead of trying to be a decent understanding human being, he just dismissed the long speech of Phichit’s as he stood up.

He walked towards his room despite the calls for his name behind, his patience was just about near the edge of a goddamn cliff right now, and if he hears his name one more time he might just commit a murder, so instead he looked back to Phichit before he could call Yuuri’s name one more time and just told him wearily.

“I am tired, Phichit.”

Phichit’s frown immediately dissolved to Yuuri’s joy, the annoyed wrath he felt was clearing up as soon as he realised the talk was over and Yuuri smiled at Phichit once before entering his room.

“Thank you Phichit, but I am really tired, I will talk to you tomorrow.”

Phichit nodded understandingly, and Yuuri silently cheered for a small victory in his mind. As annoying as the talks about mental health could get, one of the best traits about his best friend is without a doubt, the way Phichit always accepts Yuuri with open arms, he would always understand when Yuuri had a bad day or when yuuri just wants to be alone.

He really did have a good best friend.

A nauseous feeling churns up his stomach then into his throat when that line came into his mind, the swarming guilt was attacking him suddenly, the anger long washed away. Yuuri slumbered onto his bed as swirling thoughts surrounded him.

He had treated Phichit so bad, he shouldn’t have. Why was he so selfish? What the fuck is wrong with him, he is such a heartless piece of shit. Yuuri laughed wetly at his pathetic self before the maniac laughter turned into choked sobs. He cried his guilt out, he cried his hate out, he cried his wrath out and before he could realise it, he was sound asleep on his bed.


End file.
